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Eli Promised A Seat At Adult Table On Thanksgiving

16th June, 2008 - 8:54 pm

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By Buster Gunning

Little Eli Manning, fresh off a Superbowl victory against the New England Patriots, has been promised a seat at the adult table this upcoming Thanksgiving in what promises to be the most heartwarming, gratifying, and uplifting story of 2008.

There will be an extra chair at the adult table this Thanksgiving at the Manning household. Formerly relegated to the fold-up card table in the living room with the rest of the Manning rejects and riff-raff, young Eli Manning has been tentatively promised room at the dining room table.

Sources close to the family say that this has nothing to do with his recent Superbowl victory and subsequent pedantic trip to Disney - whatever. Rather, one of the older family members died of a SARS/Ebola hybrid recently, and a slot has opened up.

“All I had to do was promise to keep the spork out of my nose and refrain from doing anything else inappropriate,” Eli remarked. “Yes, in my family we use sporks.”

For those unfamiliar with the spork, it is a remarkabe spoon/fork fusion useful in both poaching food and sipping soup simultaneously.

Older, more distinguished brother Peyton Manning wants to throw the flag on the Thanksgiving roster move.

“One lucky pass against a team that wasn’t allowed to cheat properly, and he gets a roster spot at the adult table? What about all the poor bookies in Las Vegas who lost money because of his Superbowl antics? Who is going to help them get their respective lives back on track?”

Spork this!: Buster.Gunning@realgm.com

The preceding article was a piece of satirical fiction.

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