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Keyboard Quarterback: It Never Happened
Authored by Andrew Perna - 24th October, 2007 - 3:07 pm
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Thank God it’s over. Everything went wrong in Week Seven of the NFL season, and it’s one I prefer to forget. As far as I’m concerned the 2007 NFL season will conclude later this year having lasted only sixteen weeks. As you’re reading this I’m campaigning for Roger Goodell to completely erase last week from the football record books.
As you’ll read in my fantasy diary, The Drew Crew got steamrolled early and often against DRoxx SC, suffering just their second loss of the season. In addition, all of the teams I despise (New England, Washington, New York and Dallas) were victorious this weekend.
And with a chance to make all that easier to swallow, my Philadelphia Eagles crumbled in the final minutes against the offensively-challenged Chicago Bears. The Eagles led the Bears 16-12 with less than two minutes to play, but their run-down defense allowed Brian Griese ( that’s right, Brian Griese ) to march downfield and score the game-winning touchdown with nine seconds left on the clock. Game over.
If anyone knows where I can get one of those little memory erasers Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones had in Men In Black please let me know. My e-mail is posted at the end of this column.
The Downs The First Down…Tennessee Holds On For the first three quarters, the Tennessee Titans stomped all over the Texans, holding Houston to just seven points and very little yardage. Leading 32-7 heading into the fourth quarter, the Titans appeared to let up as the Texans rallied to score 29-straight points. Houston actually led in the final minute, but a Rod Bironas’ field goal as time expired gave Tennessee the victory. The Titans improved to 4-2, despite playing without Vince Young.
The Second Down…Saints Marching Thanks to Reggie Bush, the Saints have won two consecutive games and remain in the NFC playoff picture. Despite losing their first four games, New Orleans is now just two games behind Carolina for the lead in the NFC South. Drew Brees threw two touchdowns on Sunday, one to Devery Henderson and one to Reggie Bush, which ended up being just enough to defeat the injury-riddled Falcons. It was the four-yard touchdown pass from Brees to Bush that won the game in the final minutes. The Saints will travel to San Francisco this week, with a great shot at winning their third straight contest.
The Third Down…Rams Still Winless St. Louis quarterback Marc Bulger vowed to come back last weekend in hopes that he would better the Rams’ chances at recording their first win of the season. No such luck. Bulger returned but completed just half of his passes for 225 yards and three interceptions. St. Louis only managed six points on two Jeff Wilkins’ field goals, while Seattle racked up 33 points against the Rams’ porous defense. St. Louis will host the Browns this week before enjoying a bye. If the Rams don’t get healthy soon it doesn’t matter who they play; they’ll continue to lose.
The Fourth Down…Denver Does It The Denver Broncos had no business beating the Pittsburgh Steelers on Sunday night, but they did just that in dramatic fashion. Jason Elam hit a 49-yard field goal as time expired to give the Broncos a 31-28 victory over the favored Steelers. Ben Roethlisberger threw for 290 yards and four touchdowns, but it was Pittsburgh’s miscues that cost them the game. Roethlisberger threw two interceptions and lost a fumble that turned into a Broncos’ touchdown. The Steelers, who launched out of the gates with three convincing victories, have now lost two of their last three games. Three straight divisional battles will either allow Pittsburgh to right the ship or sink a little further.
The ‘Who The Heck’ Statline of the Week… Titans’ kicker Rod Bironas: Eight field goals (52, 25, 21, 30, 28, 43, 29, 29) and two extra points for 26 total points against the Texans.
My Keyboard Prediction for Week Eight The Miami Dolphins will fall to 0-8 at the hands of the New York Giants overseas in London, England. They prefer soccer in Europe, but fans should find the Giants-Dolphins battle to be rather entertaining, nonetheless. I expect Dolphins’ punter Brandon Fields to punt several times with the inconsistent Miami offense battling New York’s swarming defense. My prediction: Giants 35, Dolphins 14.
My Fantasy Diary… I knew it. If anyone was going to put The Drew Crew, 5-1 and the class of my division, in its place it would be New England’s Tom Brady, far and away my least favorite quarterback in all of football. In Week Seven I played DRoxx SC, who featured Brady and favorite receiver Wes Welker.
In an effort to counter some of Brady’s scoring potential, I started Kyle Brady (who subbed in for the injured Benjamin Watson), but it was all for naught. Sure, Brady hooked up with Brady for an early touchdown – but the other 67 touchdowns he threw went to a variety of other Patriot receivers.
By halftime Brady had produced forty-five points for DRoxx and I was red-faced and throwing up. Brady had connected on sixteen of his nineteen pass attempts for 291 yards and five touchdowns. All by halftime. In just two quarters Tom freakin’ Brady had put The Drew Crew behind the eight ball before the week had really even begun. Son of a bee-sting.
A loss would be bad enough, but for it to come at the manicured hands of Tom Brady would make things infinitely worse. I respect him, but my hatred for Brady has hit an all-time hit. And that’s saying something.
My eyes didn’t stop bleeding until fourth quarter when Bill Belichick replaced Brady with Matt Cassell, who promptly through an interception for a touchdown to Miami’s Jason Taylor. So Belichick, the wiener that he is, re-inserted Brady into the game for yet another scoring drive. Terrific.
Add in stellar performances from Calvin Johnson (a 32-yard rushing touchdown), Welker (138 yards and two touchdowns) and Brandon Jacobs (123 total yards and a score) and The Drew Crew trailed by nearly seventy points halfway through Sunday’s games.
Thoroughly incensed for the first time all season, I slammed down my laptop and shut off the television. I couldn’t even get excited for the Eagles game against the Bears that would take piece in just thirty minutes. I needed a short football break to turn my mood around. The Drew Crew was in their own, before long they’d be 5-2 with a brutal loss at the hands of DRoxx and his Patriot brethren. I could barely move from the couch I was so stunned.
I felt like the Phillies and Diamondbacks left behind in a wake of Rocktober madness.
It didn’t matter that Anquan Boldin caught two scores for Arizona, that Kyle Brady (my emergency tight end) reached the end zone, or that the Tennessee defense notched nearly fifteen points for my team – I was still trailing 127-57 by early Sunday afternoon.
For health’s sake I stopped monitoring my fantasy affairs, and concentrated on my Eagles (see this week’s introduction).
I didn’t reopen the East Coast Pigskin League page until just before Willie Parker took the field for the Steelers on Sunday Night Football. I wasn’t in much better shape, with DRoxx still sporting a 159-70 lead. Acid immediately reentered my throat.
Could I get 89 points from Willie Parker and Joseph Addai? I think not.
In the end Parker would tally 127 total yards, good for twelve fantasy points. That would leave Addai with the unenviable task of needing to notch 73 fantasy points in order to lead The Drew Crew to victory. All I’d need from Addai would be like 300 rushing yards and about eight touchdowns. Possible right?
Wrong. The Drew Crew had fallen to 5-2…
T.G.W.S.I.O: Thank God Week Seven is over!
My Fantasy Football Record for the 2007 Season: Week Seven: 6-6
Week Six: 10-2
Week Five: 5-7
Week Four: 9-3
Week Three: 7-5
Week Two: 6–6
Week One: 8–4
Overall: 51 wins and 33 losses
